It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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