so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this boner is exhausting
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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