just come out here and I will go home with you...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
