just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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