you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
