is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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