can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
