I am puke
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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