FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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