An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
