hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
