oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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