No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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