Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
