this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
