My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
