the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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