i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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