i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
