i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
