walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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