ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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