My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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