Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
