the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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