The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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