I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
