2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
