pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
