this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
