Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
