remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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