...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
