He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need a beard to bite.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
