Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
