she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
