What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
