believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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