Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
