If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
