Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
