I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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