I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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