The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
