Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
