Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
