y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
