I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
