Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
