My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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