On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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