And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
